I hate going to protests. I hate standing on the back of a pickup truck or a podium and give a speech, and I hate chanting.
I hate confrontations, and I hate being kettled by police. I hate the ugly stares and racist responses and the occasional doxing by German media. I hate it all.
I am not here because I want to, it’s because I feel I have to, for my family, for my people.
After a protest I attended on Friday, I quickly realized I was being followed. I stopped to confront them, and understood them to be undercover police. “We just want to see what you decide to do” they said. I am not certain what I responded with, but I played it off with my friends who protested with me. We laughed it off and waved at them and sang the Swedish song, Leve Palastina as a taunt.
But I knew I needed to get away from them. At first we quickly walked away together, going into a shopping mall and up the stairs and exited on the other side. They were still trailing behind us.
I then gave the suggestion to split up. I ran home successfully. I laughed this off at first like I was in some sort of movie. “Ha, got away from them” as if I’m some sort of important actor in a revolution or some shit.
But the reality soon set in. “What is it that I did? Attend a lawful protest against a genocidal company speaking at a university?”
I couldn’t stop thinking of Gaza’s children, about my husband’s cousin Sama whom I loved deeply. I couldn’t look at my newborn son asleep without gently touching his face until I could hear his cry. I loved his cry.
I was exhausted. I was followed home for protesting the murder of our children, men, and women. I exploded. I felt like a criminal being chased. The adrenaline I felt at the moment wore off and now I jut felt like a bag of shit everytime I attend a protest. I don’t want to be here- don’t you understand that?
I don’t want to do it anymore. I don’t want to post about our dead kids anymore. I don’t want to be chased by police and hide in a store as if I did something wrong. This police state has tormented us.
Germany raids my friends’ homes. They fine them for saying free Palestine from the river to the sea. They arrest them from crowds if they think they’re suspect.
And we get chased by police..
I don’t want to do it anymore. I don’t want to organize anymore. I put my body on the line everyday and know the repression will just get worst. I held my face in my hands questioning if it even matters anymore. Israel will continue to kill, Germany will continue to support it.
And yet- I can’t. I can’t allow murderers and their enablers to feel comfort, no matter what happens.
I hate going to protests, but I will see you at the next one…
I understood exactly what you wrote and how you feel inside.
I suppose the only takeaway from being followed, is that the protests are affecting them and they hope if they start making you feel too uncomfortable that you will stop going to them. Then they would have won and we're not going to let them win anything.
We're the only voices that Palestine has, which is worse for you because of your bonds to there but a lot of us making our voices heard care deeply, even before the 7th of October. Let's carry on affecting them and hopefully eventually Palestinians will win their right to freedom. 💖
Bravo!!